How badly does he want this? It's all up to him.

I talk to a lot of women about their personal experiences post D Day and I hear a common theme among many of them. I want to make sure I make something totally clear to all of you. Once D Day hits, what do you need to do? Here’s the answer:

NOTHING.

Yes, nothing. Your job is to sit on ass (and probably cry). Do not ask him to read any articles on sex addiction. Do not find him a therapist. Do not buy any books. Just sit back and do….

NOTHING.

Why? If he doesn’t already know that there’s something seriously wrong with him then he just may be a lost cause. Even then, he has to want to fix himself and to fix your marriage. If he’s truly motivated he’ll be actively trying to find his OWN therapist. He may ask for your input or your opinion, but the leg work and the making of the appointments is on HIM. It’s not your job. All you are agreeing to is to stay for a while to see if he’ll put his money where his mouth is.

The unmotivated sex addict may try to tell you that he doesn’t need therapy. He’ll stop his behavior on his own. Don’t buy it. These men have already tried on their own to stop their addiction, long before you learned of their behavior, and it didn’t work. If your husband was a heroin addict would you buy his “I’m going to stop on my own” line? No, you wouldn’t.

Do you want a good litmus test to see if he has a snowball’s chance in Hell to become a true “former sex addict”? Observe what he does. In our case, Mr. P found the therapist, I agreed to go with him, and he wholeheartedly threw himself into all the homework she gave him to do.

I just quit smoking last week. I’ve tried to quit before, many times, but I really liked smoking and didn’t want to give it up. I knew I SHOULD, but that’s not enough. What changed for me this time was my motivation. I was sick to death of getting bronchitis all the time and it taking me longer and longer to recover and needing more and more prescriptions to do it and I had had enough. Finally. No more smoking for me. I’m so gung ho about it I’m even angry at cigarettes. Damn tobacco! I’m done letting it steal my life! In fact, if someone held a lit one up to my face right now I honestly wouldn’t touch it. I remember what it was like to be constantly bronchial and it’s not worth it. Changing your behavior doesn’t work unless you really want it. You have to want it badly.

But if your husband is not motivated you really only have two options: 1) divorce or 2) turn a blind eye to his secret life.

Once he makes the commitment to work on himself and do whatever he can to help you through this, then if you find good articles or books on the subject and want to get his input, go ahead and do that. Don’t do it before.

Then fasten your seat belt because no matter how motivated he is, he will fuck up, BIG TIME. He’s still going to trickle truth you and avoid your direct questions. He’s hoping he gets through this process without having to completely spill his guts, but he’s still being childish and doesn’t realize that THAT’S not going to happen. He'll figure it out. And the story of his Hooker Escapades is going to be revised, and revised and revised. That’s where our blog comes in. We’re passing on our experience with this to help you get through it. We tell you how we peeled our onion. Then you have to peel yours.

As for what kind of therapist he should see, we believe a PTSD or trauma specialist would be the best bet. Something happened in his life to bring his emotional development to a screeching halt and trauma was definitely involved in that. If Mr. P had known then what we know now he would have gone that route early on. Instead we started out with the Psych Monster, who was a marriage counselor, and wanted to make me work on how I contributed to my husband’s sex addiction. (SNORT). But I was just happy Mr. P picked someone. I would have gone no matter what.

Did we need a marriage counselor, really? No, because I didn’t have zip to do with this, but I’m still glad we went to therapy both as a couple and individually. It got the ball rolling on getting through this. The only thing I would have changed is to find a counselor who didn’t subscribe to the co-dependent model. The rest of you can learn from our mistakes.

As for the husbands who might be reading this right now, are you only here because your wife insisted you read this? If you really want to change then do it. But if you're happy in your massage parlor, prostitute, strip club lifestyle, then set your wife free. You don't get to have your wife too.